"Hold my heart ... I don't wanna let go too soon" ... music & video

"Does anybody know how to hold my heart
How to hold my heart?
'Cause I don't want to let go, let go, let go too soon

I want to tell you so before the sun goes dark
How to hold my heart
'Cause I don't want to let go, let go, let go of you"

And Sara Bareilles sings plaintively - 'Does anybody know how to hold my heart? I don't wanna let go of you' ...

Tis been a lazy Sunday here. I've just finished giving myself a pedicure, washed off my clay mud face-mask, and I am now chilling and reflecting upon the words of the song. Let me explain - I always find myself listening out for the words of a song - sure the tune might be banging, but if the words aren't right, it doesn't really do much for me. I love the way the words in this song are cleverly presented as a 'make-up' or 'break-up' song - it's left up to the two people in the relationship to decide what to do.

Too often when our hearts are really involved, the temptation arises to hide the depths of our feelings from the other person. We don't want to reveal how much losing them would hurt. When we are truly in love however, we all want the person we love 'to hold our hearts' and to not let go of us, no matter how bad things are at the time. 

True love never wants to give up, it never wants to walk away, it stubbornly believes that things will get better. However love cannot exist in a vacuum - it takes two people to be in a love relationship. No matter how fierce or determined or passionate or committed the love of one person in the relationship is for the other, that one person cannot love enough for both parties in the relationship. When love is not returned, it is NOT a relationship! LOL. At least, it is not the kind of relationship that any self-respecting adult should want or choose to be in. 

You cannot love another person so much that they will be forced to love you in return. It doesn't quite work that way. Love cannot be forced, manipulated, coerced or demanded. Love can be 'won', yes, but it is still a gift that is freely given. When you are blessed enough to be given that gift and you also love the other in return, then hold unto what you have tightly. 

Don't let go.

xx

Hymn For My Father ~ Collective Soul. Video and lyrics

Just stumbled across this song ... while the video has the lyrics, I am posting the words below because I totally love them. Sums up totally why I love and follow GOD - tis because He loves me to bits and pieces. His gentle kindness has won my heart forever... 

xx

Hymn For My Father ~ Collective Soul

I will follow, I will follow
Till the stars fall down, till the sun burns out
I will follow, I will follow
Till Gabriel's horn does sound

I will follow, I will follow
Through the path You chose with the words You spoke
I will follow, I will follow
By the love You always showed

I won't cry out 'cause love has lifted me
I won't cry out 'cause now I will receive
Everything that You've given me
All things to me

I will follow, I will follow
For in You I do believe

I will follow, I will follow
Through the path You chose with the words You spoke
I will follow, I will follow
By the love, the love You showed

Another Anniversary...

5th Sept 2012

It is always great to celebrate anniversaries and it is even more wonderful when the peeps are counting their years together. We all say very well-done when we hear couples celebrating 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60 years together and rejoice that they have seemingly beaten the odds.

However sometimes, the slightly cynical side of me (which manages to co-exist quite happily with my optimistic naive side) wonders the following?

How many years of being physically or emotionally abused might the couple be celebrating?

How many years of unrelenting vicious verbal abuse might they be giving thanks for?

How many years of not sleeping together or not even sharing the same bedroom might you (the couple) be rejoicing at?

How many years of unrelenting boredom might you be being thankful for?

How many years of marital strife, hardship, sorrow might you be putting a brave face upon?

How many years of your adultery or your partner's adultery might be being celebrated??

How many years of no trust, no laughter, no fun together, no affection is possibly being danced at?

And how many years of the death of love and friendship is being leapt for joy at?

Now please do not misunderstand me - there are many happy marriages out there and a happy fulfilling marriage is one of the most rewarding things in the world. I am a firm believer in happy marriages - I've watched my parents who are happy together. 

HOWEVER, too often, too many put more emphasis on the quantity of years of the marriage and do not pay enough attention to the quality of the years of the marriage.

It is better to be married at 40 and share 20 happy years together (if you just happen to conk dead at 60! LOL), than it is to be married at 20 and share 40 miserable, unhappy, torture-laden, prison-like, jail sentence of a union together.

Be honest with yourself - if your marriage is more jail sentence than it is happy union, stop celebrating fake anniversaries. Sit down with your partner, talk honestly and openly, and try to see if you can go back to the beginning, rebuild new foundations and try to re-capture what you once had and shared, and try to start a new journey of joy.

Remember, it is better to have 10 happy years of love, joy and laughter with the right person, than 40 unhappy years of pain, tears and sorrow with the wrong person. The choice to turn around the wrongest marital ship is in the hands of the two of you in the union.

Choose life and not death (an empty emotionally cold unfulfilled existence). Choose laughter and not tears. Choose true unity and not icy or indifferent distance. Choose a life of happiness and not a life filled with pain... 

xx

Tie it with a bow ...

I know quite a few peeps who have died this year, and others who lives have been touched by life-threatening illnesses.

This year, I have learnt (in a different way) that life is special, tomorrow is definitely not guaranteed and finding the right person to love & to be loved by is a precious gift.

Love is scary and frightening - love offers the high-risk options of either great rewards or devastating pain (or sometimes both). Giving your heart to another person and letting them into you can be a huge risk. Letting down your guard & allowing yourself to become vulnerable is not easy (especially when you've done so in the past and got hurt).

So when you meet someone new who makes you smile, it can become so easy to block it, push it away, ignore stuff if possible, choose not to take the risk of getting hurt by going down that road again. However, if you give things a go, and the 'relationship' lasts for 3 months or for 30yrs, every single day of those 3 months or the 30 years can be a delightful gift.

I want to choose to live my life to the fullest - to look back and say - I have no regrets. Whatever the outcome of the choices I take might be, I would rather take a risk & live life in glorious technicolour, than play safe & dwell in the land of the lukewarm & beige.

So leap off that emotional cliff - take your love & your heart, lay them in a box, wrap it up beautifully, tie it with a pretty bow, and send it to your boo or 'potential' boo.

Give things a chance to live or die. Take that risk.

xx

Coming Home

I've been listening to P Diddy's 'Coming Home' again (tis one of my top 100 songs) and it's made me reflect on what 'home' means - (well, to me at least).

Home is where the heart is. Home is where the love is. Home is where you are always accepted. Home is where you are always celebrated. Home is where your successes are lauded and your failures are soothed. Home is where you are a mega-star just because you are you. Home is where you are totally special not because of what you do, or how much you earn, or what you contribute - but simply because you are seen as supa-dupa special. Home is where you are constantly forgiven. Home is where you are not afraid to argue because it won't lead to a break-up. Home is where you never fight dirty - ever. Home is where you hate arguing. Home is where you are praised, encouraged, lifted-up and challenged to reach for greater heights. Home is where you don't have to talk, don't have to be funny, don't have to entertain, don't have to wear a mask - home is where you can be the real you and still be loved and understood.

Home is where you get a smile just for waking up in the morning, a hug just because you are so wanted, and a passionate kiss just because you are always sexy. Home is where you never fear you'll hear the heart-breaking words 'I don't love you anymore'. Home is where your soul is at rest, where you find and can draw from a never-ending well of peace.

Home is that special place in the heart of another person who loves you totally, passionately, deeply.

You cannot 'try' to be somebody's home. You cannot force or push anyone into making you their home. You are either home or you are not. All you can do, when you've found your 'home', is make it a beautiful wonderful home for the one who has chosen to make you their home in return.

'Coming Home' is one of the best things ever. So I say, welcome home.

And again I say, welcome home...

xx

Can Men and Women be 'Just Friends' ?

Read this article earlier. Whatcha think? Can men and women really and truly be 'just friends'? Or is one person in the friendship always left wanting more? Anyone have any thoughts?? ;-)

By Adrian F. Ward | Scientific American – Tue, Oct 23, 2012

Can heterosexual men and women ever be “just friends”? Few other questions have provoked debates as intense, family dinners as awkward, literature as lurid, or movies as memorable. Still, the question remains unanswered. Daily experience suggests that non-romantic friendships between males and females are not only possible, but common—men and women live, work, and play side-by-side, and generally seem to be able to avoid spontaneously sleeping together. However, the possibility remains that this apparently platonic coexistence is merely a façade, an elaborate dance covering up countless sexual impulses bubbling just beneath the surface.

New research suggests that there may be some truth to this possibility—that we may think we’re capable of being “just friends” with members of the opposite sex, but the opportunity (or perceived opportunity) for “romance” is often lurking just around the corner, waiting to pounce at the most inopportune moment.

In order to investigate the viability of truly platonic opposite-sex friendships—a topic that has been explored more on the silver screen than in the science lab—researchers brought 88 pairs of undergraduate opposite-sex friends into…a science lab.  Privacy was paramount—for example, imagine the fallout if two friends learned that one—and only one—had unspoken romantic feelings for the other throughout their relationship.  In order to ensure honest responses, the researchers not only followed standard protocols regarding anonymity and confidentiality, but also required both friends to agree—verbally, and in front of each other—to refrain from discussing the study, even after they had left the testing facility. These friendship pairs were then separated, and each member of each pair was asked a series of questions related to his or her romantic feelings (or lack thereof) toward the friend with whom they were taking the study.

The results suggest large gender differences in how men and women experience opposite-sex friendships. Men were much more attracted to their female friends than vice versa. Men were also more likely than women to think that their opposite-sex friends were attracted to them—a clearly misguided belief. In fact, men’s estimates of how attractive they were to their female friends had virtually nothing to do with how these women actually felt, and almost everything to do with how the men themselves felt—basically, males assumed that any romantic attraction they experienced was mutual, and were blind to the actual level of romantic interest felt by their female friends. Women, too, were blind to the mindset of their opposite-sex friends; because females generally were not attracted to their male friends, they assumed that this lack of attraction was mutual. As a result, men consistently overestimated the level of attraction felt by their female friends and women consistentlyunderestimated the level of attraction felt by their male friends.

Men were also more willing to act on this mistakenly perceived mutual attraction. Both men and women were equally attracted to romantically involved opposite-sex friends and those who were single; “hot” friends were hot and “not” friends were not, regardless of their relationship status.  However, men and women differed in the extent to which they saw attached friends as potential romantic partners.  Although men were equally as likely to desire “romantic dates” with “taken” friends as with single ones, women were sensitive to their male friends’ relationship status and uninterested in pursuing those who were already involved with someone else.

These results suggest that men, relative to women, have a particularly hard time being “just friends.” What makes these results particularly interesting is that they were found within particularfriendships (remember, each participant was only asked about the specific, platonic, friend with whom they entered the lab). This is not just a bit of confirmation for stereotypes about sex-hungry males and naïve females; it is direct proof that two people can experience the exact same relationship in radically different ways. Men seem to see myriad opportunities for romance in their supposedly platonic opposite-sex friendships. The women in these friendships, however, seem to have a completely different orientation—one that is actually platonic.

To the outside observer, it seems clear that these vastly different views about the potential for romance in opposite-sex friendships could cause serious complications—and people within opposite-sex relationships agree. In a follow-up study, 249 adults (many of whom were married) were asked to list the positive and negative aspects of being friends with a specific member of the opposite sex. Variables related to romantic attraction (e.g., “our relationship could lead to romantic feelings”) were five times more likely to be listed as negative aspects of the friendship than as positive ones. However, the differences between men and women appeared here as well. Males were significantly more likely than females to list romantic attraction as a benefit of opposite-sex friendships, and this discrepancy increased as men aged—males on the younger end of the spectrum were four times more likely than females to report romantic attraction as a benefit of opposite-sex friendships, whereas those on the older end of the spectrum were ten times more likely to do the same.

Taken together, these studies suggest that men and women have vastly different views of what it means to be “just friends”—and that these differing views have the potential to lead to trouble. Although women seem to be genuine in their belief that opposite-sex friendships are platonic, men seem unable to turn off their desire for something more. And even though both genders agree overall that attraction between platonic friends is more negative than positive, males are less likely than females to hold this view.

So, can men and women be “just friends?” If we all thought like women, almost certainly.  But if we all thought like men, we’d probably be facing a serious overpopulation crisis.

Are you a scientist who specializes in neuroscience, cognitive science, or psychology? And have you read a recent peer-reviewed paper that you would like to write about? Please send suggestions to Mind Matters editor Gareth Cook, a Pulitzer prize-winning journalist at the Boston Globe. He can be reached at garethideas AT gmail.com or Twitter @garethideas.

Follow Scientific American on Twitter @SciAm and @SciamBlogs. Visit ScientificAmerican.com for the latest in science, health and technology news.
© 2012 ScientificAmerican.com. All rights reserved.

Bob Marley - True love

A poet, a philosopher, arguably the greatest reggae artist ever, I smiled when I came across this write-up on 'True love' by Bob Marley. I love and agree with every word. Now I know again why his 'Is this love that I'm feeling' is in my top 20 songs....

Hope y'all enjoy the words of the philosopher musical genius... xx  

BOB MARLEY: TRUE LOVE

“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. 

There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. 

You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.”

Real Love...

When I told a friend I was planning to write a post about Arsenal's come-back-from-the-dead season, I got an eye-roll and a challenge - write about love. Take a break from religion, politics, football etc I was told, and write about real love, adult love, mature love. Welllllll, since I am revisiting a book I am trying to write about a love-story set in Colonial-era Lagos, it might be a good thing to reflect upon love, eh?? ;-)

What is real love? For me, it's warm affection, a solid friendship, a fiery attraction, a healthy dose of lust, the ability to compromise, a tiny bit of friction, the melding and fine-tuning of two personalities into one, some jealousy, plenty of laughter, enjoying each other's company, fighting and making up, sulks & silence, frustration & irritation, pleasure & joy, hard work, commitment, but above all, something that cannot be explained - a knowing, a clicking, a moment when your whole being goes 'ahhhhhhhhh'.

Falling in love is easy. Staying in love is hard. Breaking-up is easy. Holding on is hard. Letting go is easy. Setting a person free and believing if it's right, they'll come back to you is hard.

I read somewhere a few days ago that 'you only really fall in love once' .. and it struck me that it is true. When you meet 'The One', you realise that all those other times your heart was seemingly engaged, were simply a warm-up for this moment. We all have that one person we do not truly get over. There is that one special person who breezes through your defences like the defences never existed - they raise a flag, plant it in your heart, and simply settle in there 'snug as a bug'. They have claimed your heart as their territory. When you really and truly fall in love, you do not fall out. Why? Because you fall deeply and totally into the heart of the other person. You can climb out, you can claw your way out, you can build a ladder and hoist yourself out of their heart - but to really and totally leave, the other person has to give you a helping hand to yank you out of their heart. They have to push you out utterly and totally - you cannot do it yourself.

The 'annoying' thing about this thing called love is that it really is unselfish. In real love, you want the other person's good above yours. You want to make them happy. Your real happiness comes from knowing they are happy. Some people 'fight' this statement and say - no, you have to think of yourself first. But we never say that about our children (if we have them), do we? Our love for our children is sacrificial, it puts their happiness first, we are not out for what we can get from them but we give and give and give. We believe the best of them - we want the best for them. If you do not love your significant other as much as/or more than you love your kids, you really haven't begun loving your significant other properly yet.

If, I can replace the person I think I love easily and swiftly with someone else, then it was not really true love to begin with. Other people can interest you momentarily but deep down you know it's not the same. The one who holds your heart in their hands, can annoy you, frustrate you, irritate the living daylights out of you, drive you crazy, but that person also has the power to make you smile even at your most hurt, when they say 'Baby, I am sorry'. Truthfully, you are already forgiving them at 'Baby'; the 'I am sorry' is simply the icing on the cake. In the words of Renee Ziegler in the film 'Jerry Maguire', after the chap leaves her, then comes back to apologise, giving a long speech, she tells him - 'You had me at hello'. Forgiveness was given BECAUSE he had returned - the apology was dessert - very nice but not the main meal.

Love and forgiveness and trust go hand in hand. A relationship is a 3 pronged pot that will tilt and fall over if any of the legs are missing. The one you love has to know that they can mess up to the max and still be forgiven. This does NOT give anyone a license to mess up - because the one who really loves you will do their best not to mess up. But if (and when) they do, they know they have a home in you.

What's home and where is home? Home is the heart and mind and arms of your beloved. It is where we go to feel safe. It's that place where we are always welcome. It is warmth, and light, and brightness and comfort. It is where we are never rejected even when we are at our worst. It is where we find forgiveness and compassion and understanding. It is where your beloved will forgive you with tears in their eyes and pain in their heart because as much as you've hurt them, they understand and accept your strengths and weaknesses, they love you flaws and all, but above all, they also know that living without you will hurt them even more than the pain you've caused.

Home is where your heart breaks because you've caused the one you love pain.

People sometimes call tears manipulative. Maybe they are, when wielded by manipulative people. But for the heart that deeply loves, tears are sometimes the only way of expressing the intensity, depth and tenderness of what it feels. Only a handful of guys have made me cry - by a handful, I mean I can count em on one hand and have three fingers to spare. LOL. Only one person has ever been able to make me cry more than a few times. When you have the power to make a person cry, it means they care so much, it hurts them when you are hurt, it hurts them to be in your bad books, it hurts them when they get it wrong.

"Had I the heavens embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams .." WB Yeats

In the words of Yeats, be careful with a person's heart. We lay our hearts on the line when we fall in love - we risk rejection and hurt and pain. So if you are in love or a person is in love with you, handle the heart you've been given very carefully - treat it like the precious jewel it is. It is easy to carelessly break a heart but it takes hard work and effort and time to mend a shattered heart.

If you are blessed and fortunate enough to really be in love, then hold on tightly and handle it with care. If you've been hurt, forgive. If you are granted a 2nd chance to get it right, grab it with both hands and work at getting it right. If you can leave and not look back, then don't worry about it, the ability to walk away permanently proves it was not real love. True love might walk away in a huff or in anger or in hurt or in resignation but 10, 20 or 100 miles down the road, it will come to its senses and run back screaming 'take me back please.' The beauty of this - halfway down the road back, you'll find the one you love and left, is also already running towards you screaming 'don't go, please don't leave'.

Love is a glorious gift - sometimes it actually really does come only once in a lifetime.

'Tread lightly because you tread upon my dreams'...

xx

*In using the words hurt and pain above, I am referring to the emotional hurt we can sometimes cause others with words and silence and our actions. I am not referring to physical abuse or prolonged verbal assaults. Real love does NOT want to hurt or damage the other person. Sick warped twisted violence or control-freak mind games is NOT love.

When a Woman .. when a Man ..

Saw this, 'liked' it & thought to share it with y'all.  Do you agree or disagree with what's said?

When a woman ..

When a woman is quiet, millions of things are running through her mind ..

When a woman is not arguing, she is thinking deeply ..
When a woman looks at you with eyes full of questions, she is wondering how long you will be around ..
When a woman answers, "I'm fine" after a few seconds, she is not at all fine ..
When a woman stares at you, she is wondering why you are so wonderful ..
When a woman calls you everyday, she wants your attention ..
When a woman texts u everyday, she wants you to reply at least once ..
When a woman lays her head on your chest, she is wishing for you to be hers forever ..
When a woman says, "I'll love you forever, "she means it ..
When a woman says that she can't live without you, she has made up her mind that you are her future ..
When a woman says, "I miss you, " no one in this world can miss you more than that ..


When a man ..

When a man calls u he wants to be with you ..
When a man is quiet, he's listening to you ...
When a man is not arguing, he realizes he's wrong ..
When a man says, "I'm fine" after a few minutes, he means it ..
When a man stares at you, he wishes you would care about him and wonders if you do? ..
When you're laying your head on a man's chest he has the world ..
When a man calls you everyday he is in love ..
When a man say he loves you he means it ..
When a man says he can't live without you, he's with you till all is done ..
When a man says, "I miss you" he misses you more than you could have ever missed him or anything else. ..

Now these might be sweeping generalisations but I love the way that it highlights the beauty of the differences between the sexes.  Most of us are strongest when connected to each other.  And no male or female bashing allowed please.  ;-)

xx

Naked (1)

Naked = Bare. Exposed. Vulnerable. Real.

Just watched a programme ‘How to look good naked’. The presenter takes an average woman and in a few weeks transforms the woman’s image without surgery or expensive treatments. More importantly, he transforms her wrong image of herself. A decent haircut, clothing that accentuates the figure, but more importantly accepting and loving your body is what makes the difference.

Our naked selves can be the hardest thing for a lot of us to face. If you are young or just have a perfect body, then prancing naked around your room is a breeze; but once age, pregnancy, sag, toil, stretch-marks, weight etc, take their toll, then most women would rather be clothed than seen naked. Often, we don’t even want to look at ourselves naked in a full-length mirror.

Oprah said something once that got my attention – if you can’t bear to look at yourself naked, then how on earth would you be comfortable with having anyone else look at you? I go further and say, if you cannot look at the real you, then how can you ever learn to accept yourself and love the beautiful you that God created and Jesus died for?

So for the last 14 months or so, I have made a point of looking at myself unclothed in a full-length mirror every day. At my very heaviest, that was a very tough call! However, the more I have done so, the more accepting I have become of me, flaws, lumps, bumps and all. Greater acceptance of myself has also meant the more I want to improve me to become the very best I can be. This process of self-examination in the mirror has not made me hate myself or run screaming – rather, it’s actually made me love myself more and also help push me further along my weight-loss journey.

To my Christian married friends, I go a step further. Husband and wife need to get comfortable being bare with each other. How close can a relationship be if a wife insists on the lights turned out and will not have her husband look at her in all her true beauty? How loved does a wife feel if her husband cannot stand to look at her and see that his wife is beautiful and amazing? Those stretch-marks are silvery lines of love where her skin expanded to carry and nourish your beautiful children. If a couple can bare their  bodies before each other, it becomes so much easier to bare their souls and become more entwined emotionally.

Naked is being true to yourself, however, it can also be mega-scary. But jump in with both feet, wipe the dust off that full length mirror and embrace the real unadorned beautiful you.

(Part 2 of this write-up ‘Naked before God’)